Hi friends.
All this Kavanaugh bullshit is doing a number on our collective psyche. Even if you’re not plugged in to the play-by-play, I’d imagine you can feel the collective discomfort rippling through daily life.
For me, it kind of snuck up on me. I dreamt that a teacher started to confess to me (a fellow teacher in the dream) that he’d sexually assaulted a student. In the dream, I tried recording what he was saying on my phone and panicked when it didn’t seem to be working. I woke up with a scratch on my face and an irrational desire to go back to sleep to bring this dude to justice. Took me a sec to realize what a fool’s errand that would be (both in the dream and real world).
Me: Hey, yo. Subconscious?
My subconscious: *wiping sweat from forehead* Yeah, what?
Me: Are you…ok?
My subconscious: ……..
Me: ……. Do you want to talk about it?
My subconscious: *hisses*
I hope you are being kind to yourself, checking in on your friends, and giving yourself more of what makes you feel secure in the truth that you have a right to feel safe.
For me this self-care has been reading smart people talking about gender constructs, studies on systematic inequality and hopeful renegotiations of masculinity. If that’s what you need right now, read on. If not, here are some links that might be more up your alley.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
A flow chart of the spin-offs of All That
A reminder of how easy it is to be a good dude and not a dude trying to be good
Good Reads
How Puberty Kills Girls’ Confidence -Claire Shipman, Katty Kay, Jillellyn Riley
Performing and reporting scientific studies that prove things women know intuitively is truly the Lord’s work. This article summarizes the research findings Shipman, Kay and Riley about how girls get cut off at the knees from the moment they’re distinguished by their gender.
This shit runs so deep:
“Their rule-following, good-girl methods have been celebrated, rewarded by a structured educational and societal system. It’s a shock to arrive in the adult world and discover a dramatically new playing field: Failure is okay. Risk is worth it. No wonder they struggle: Their whole life, to date, they’ve internalized just the opposite, a societal bait and switch that should be recognized. Girls are adept at learning—they just need the right study guide.”
Gender is a construct and it’s keeping our daughters from succeeding and our sons from being good people.
Read this: if you’ve never been a pre-pubescent girl or if people in your life are the type that would require “factual evidence” when you tell stories about being a pre-pubescent girl.
If You’re a Good Guy, You Can’t Possibly Be a Rapist - C. Brian Smith
Spoiler alert: Yeah, yeah you can be.
Our concept of masculinity is at odds with basic humanity. The hoops we’ve created to perform gender require us to hurt others and ourselves. It’s not only unsustainable, it’s totally off base with reality.
This article outlines just one example of this discontinuity. Smith interviews two sociologist who studied aggression, how men view themselves and other men, and the tendency toward behavior that “mobilizes rape.” They find that there is a clause common among those interviews and observable in culture that if a guy is a good guy then he cannot also be a rapist, even if he has demonstrated behavior that indicates he indeed is ACTUALLY A RAPIST/assaulter/violent toward women.
This clause is whole basis for the sham of a defense put together by Brett Kavanagh. He (and I’m sure a legal team of dudes like him) tried to argue through his testimony that he was a good guy (I mean, Jesus, he’s just a guy that likes boofin beer not, like, an actual bad dude.) I hope that this testimony is much less compelling because people are finally paying attention to what the hell is actually going on.
Read this: if you’ve seen things in the news lately that, on it’s face, seems like support but doesn’t feel right. (i.e. why that guy from your graduating class tweeting “I Believe Her” doesn’t make you feel like he actually respects women.)
In Praise of Tender Masculinity, the New Non-Toxic Way to Be a Man - Terra Loire
This article is a delight. Terra Loire identifies and defines an alternative to the toxic masculinity dominating so much of, just like, fucking everything. This check list is my favorite part:
“Here is a checklist on how to spot a Tender Man:
Is he invested in all of his relationships, not just romantic ones?
Does he express his emotions in a healthy way?
Is self-awareness a concept he’s comfortable with?
Does he commit to personal growth?
Are boundaries something he is aware of and respects?
Is he unafraid of male intimacy — for instance, can he express affection for male friends without making a gay joke?”
I’m thankful to know many a Tender Man. (In fact, I met my favorite Tender Man on Tinder. lol) I’m not about to go into “not all men” shit, but it is nice for me to know that there is a way to be a person with a penis in this world without being a total dick.
Also, more than anything, this article gave me a good excuse to rewatch Magic Mike XXL.
Read this: if you too need some ideas on content to watch that won’t throw you back into a spiral.
Hate Read
The Boys Are Not All Right - Michael Ian Black
I’ve been holding on to this article from February for a time such as this.
I truly despite celebrity opinion pieces. They are always bullshit, unnuanced, barely googled opinions about important things. Leave these conversations to the people who are actually doing the work because I think they need you back in your dog costume on set in 20.
MIB writes this in response to the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting making an attempt to understand what so many others have already figured out (see above articles). We know there is a pretty clear link between toxic masculinity and violence. We know the concept of masculinity protects bad men. We’ve been knowing this MIB.
Like every other celebrity opinion piece, as soon as he scratches the surface, he get’s into some dumb shit:
“To be a girl today is to be the beneficiary of decades of conversation about the complexities of womanhood, its many forms and expressions.
Boys, though, have been left behind. No commensurate movement has emerged to help them navigate toward a full expression of their gender. It’s no longer enough to “be a man” — we no longer even know what that means.”
Yes, masculinity is a prison, but I don’t feel sorry for you. Boy’s haven’t been left behind in the feminist movement, you’re just not paying attention.
Feminism is more than quality for the genders. Feminism is rooted in the understanding of gender as a construct. It acknowledges gender for what it is: arbitrary label for a person. A feminist’s utopia would be a place where gender was like eye color, acknowledged but forced to be something essential and able to be changed through outer expression (colored contacts) and permanently (like some kind of eye transplant, idk you get the picture).
This is what really get’s me twisted: “I think we would benefit from the same conversations girls and women have been having for these past 50 years.”
Dude. Do you know what we talk about? We haven’t been talking about ways we can be strong, independent women. No. We have to spend our time talking about YOU. We talk about how to protect ourselves from physical and emotional harm. We talk about specific men to avoid and how to hold your keys to defend ourselves. We talk about being caught between wanting to be in community/ relationship with men but being terrified that once we let our guards down you will hurt us. I pray that boys don’t have to have the same kind of terrifying conversations.
Yes, you do need to talk about masculinity and how you are taught to let anger rot only to be released on the vulnerable, but leave me out of it. We’re tired of explaining the nuances of this shit to you. Read a fucking book my guy. Or this or this or this.
Rec of the Week
I know what you need. Something that doesn’t sugar coat reality. Something that kind of touches on similar themes of this news cycle but not as graphic or sexual. And something that ends with a heaving, bittersweet cry.
This movie has everything.
It’s got a congressional hearing. It’s got badass grandmas. It’s got old timey footage of women flying fighter planes in heels and lipstick. It’s got the first woman launching into space.
Bonus: They interview the only old white man worth listening to. B. Steadman’s husband is obviously enamored with his wife’s tenacity and empathetically exhausted with the stupidity she faced. He’s the man.
Watch this if you need to cry and punch a wall at the same time.
That’s all for this week. Take care of yourself out there. Call me if you need anything.
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